This woman's journey

The past few weeks have been very tough! I know it’s been a while since I posted but I haven’t been well enough to write. After the first round of chemotherapy in September, I developed an infection around the surgery site which resulted in a hospital stay of ten days. What I’m realising is that this part of the trek is turning out to be in steep mountainous terrain.

Over the summer I read ‘The Greatest Story ever Told’ by Bear Grylls and I have been reflecting on some fresh insights gained from a story I know so well. It tells the story of who Jesus was through the voices of five different eye witnesses to his life. It is a very accessible way of discovering who Jesus was and why his life has had such an enduring impact throughout history. As I read it, I found that it gave me deeper insights into aspects of Jesus’ life linked with my own ‘trek in the mountains’.

The first sign of becoming unwell three weeks ago was that my temperature started rising. At that point I was told to contact a specific oncology phone number and then go to the local emergency department. As the infection started to spread, it was clear that I needed to be admitted for IV antibiotics, but they couldn’t find a bed for me on a ward. After many hours of trying they managed to find me a small space in one ward where they could squash a bed in-between another bed and a handbasin and a waste bin – which they moved outside to the corridor: They call it ‘a plus-one’! That was another tough moment – after several very stressful days. In truth, I couldn’t stop sobbing! It was a mix of relief that I was on a ward, and could begin treatment, and the experience of being squashed into such a crazy space that was clearly not designed for a bed – no curtain, no call bell, no light! They did give me a little hand bell to ring if I needed help, but I didn’t want to use it as I knew it would wake up everyone around me.

Going back to the description of Jesus’ birth story in the book, my experience gave me a tiny insight into what it must have been like for his mother Mary when she was in labour and needed a place to stay. There was ‘no room at the inn’ – and she was offered a bed in a small stable, where she gave birth to her baby. I’m sure she was grateful to have a place to lay down, but the circumstances were far from ideal! Such experiences tend to strip away any preconceived ideas of how things ‘should’ happen. In my case, I had a bed surrounded by highly skilled medical staff ready to administer the treatment I needed to make me well. In Mary’s labour and birth, she had no midwife or doctors, no pain medications, no birthing pool or comfortable bed on which to deliver her first child.

This story also highlighted to me that Jesus’ life included a lot of moving around. In his early life, his parents had to escape to Egypt to keep him safe, and then his whole ministry was spent walking long distances with his disciples to different towns in the regions of Judea, Galilee and Samaria. Jesus knew what it was like to travel on a journey. I’m not likening my journey through cancer to Jesus’ incredible life and ministry, but I can identify with the fact that Jesus knew what it was like to move through seasons of change and uncertainty. His way of coping with this was to take time aside with his Father to pray. Those times renewed and empowered him, giving the energy, strength and focus to continue moving forward in the face of the challenges in front of him.

Through his own life, Jesus shows me a way through uncertainty, suffering, fear and pain – the place of prayer. Even just simple words like, ‘Help me Lord’ are heard by my Father God. This is where I draw fresh strength, energy and focus from as I continue pressing forward through my own challenging time.

Finally, I am very aware of the pain that so many other people are experiencing in our world right now: so much death, trauma and grief. I’m not trying to compare; I’m simply charting my journey through cancer treatment, but I hope reading these reflections might help those of you who have loved ones going through such treatments to gain some insight into what it can be like. It is not always straightforward.

The fresh insights from the book have informed my current experience, and have reinforced my appreciation of how incredibly blessed I’ve been – in so many ways. I have skilled doctors caring for me, specialist nurses at the end of the phone, access to life saving drugs – and my darling husband and daughter, who have nursed me at home and through the chemo days in hospital, my friend flying in from America to help look after me, my incredible family supporting me, my church family constantly praying for me and giving us practical help, and friends and neighbours sending cards, gifts and flowers which make me smile on the saddest of days. And although I needed an extra week to recover from the infection, last week my blood results showed I was well enough to continue with my second round of chemotherapy which I had yesterday – such an answer to all our prayers. Thank you!

During the times I felt in a dark place, these verses kept going round in my head, reassuring me that God could see the way through even when I couldn’t.

‘If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

Psalm 139:11-12