I love the sights, sounds and scents of Spring. The bright green leaves, the beautifully scented blossom and the glorious birdsong are all signs that herald the end of winter.
These past few months have felt like winter! This seemingly never-ending cancer journey has continued to have its ups and downs, twists and turns. But as travel this road I’m learning to look for signs of Spring whilst living in a Winter season. They feel like glimmers of light in the midst of darkness. When I last wrote, I was having my second round of chemotherapy. It went well on the day but with my immune system compromised again, the infection returned quite quickly. This time we caught it earlier and although I was admitted to hospital for IV antibiotics again, my stay was reduced to seven days instead of ten.
My oncologist then took the big decision to stop the chemotherapy treatment as in his words, ‘it’s doing you more harm than good’. I was quite distressed at this news to start with thinking that the chemo was essential for my healing (as in ovarian cancer) but what we went on to discover was that it was an adjunct treatment to back up the main treatment of surgery and regular Herceptin injections. Apparently I was borderline in them even offering me chemo in the first place. This calmed my mind and my quality of life changed for the better.
As I started to get stronger, I was able to walk longer distances and even drive again. I was just settling in to being more mobile when my journey took another hit, this time literally! I was driving to my daughter’s house for a weekend of Christmas shopping when as I approached a roundabout, the car behind me didn’t slow down and crashed into the back of me. It was a dark, wintery night and the driver admitted he hadn’t been looking carefully enough. It was a frightening experience as he rammed my car onto a really busy roundabout. I managed to steer it to the side so other vehicles could get past me. Fortunately he managed to find a place to stop too and came to see if I was OK. I couldn’t get out of the car as the traffic around me was incessant so I rang the police for help. The officer on the line said he’d stay with me on the call until the police car reached me. I was so grateful for this as I had vehicles, including huge trucks passing right next to my wing mirror. It would have been safer for me to get out of the car but I was trapped by bushes on one side and fast moving cars on the other. Once the police arrived, they put a safety cordon around me and the police car behind me. One of the police officers kindly offered to drive the car off the roundabout to get us into a safer place to look at the damage. At that moment, they felt like visiting angels! They assessed the damage and offered to accompany me to my daughter’s house which was nearby. I was in no state to drive so the same police officer drove my car and the other one gave us a police escort, complete with flashing lights. I can’t begin to tell you how grateful I was to not only see the police officers arrive but for their care of me until they got me safely to my destination. Angels in disguise!
In the new year I had an abdominal scan as part of my regular checks, but this time instead of the usual ‘everything is fine’, it showed an area which gave the doctors concern. They saw a change in a small nodule which they want to investigate further. So I’m booked in to have surgery next week to remove it. The good news in the midst of this was that my surgeon gave me the go-ahead to continue with a planned visit to the USA to see our family during their March Spring Break.
Whilst waiting at the gate in Chicago airport, I sat next to a family who had just returned from a vacation in Hawaii. We started chatting about their trip and in the course of our conversation, I found out that their daughter’s name was Carole Anne. We couldn’t believe that I too had the same name, even spelt the same! The mum then encouraged Carole Anne to tell me why they had been to Hawaii. She said it was a trip arranged by the Make a Wish Foundation, which grants life changing wishes to children with critical illnesses. She went on to say that she had cancer and that it was her wish to go to Hawaii. You can imagine how I was feeling at this point. I looked at her and said, ‘I know we have the same name but guess what else we have in common – I have cancer too’. By this point we were all tearing up! We talked about the cancer diagnosis, the treatment she was having and the side effects it gives. Meanwhile, Ian was chatting to the dad too who he found out was also a pastor of a church. Before we were called to board the plane, we had a special moment to pray together.
These moments on this cancer journey are so special. When I’m tempted to ask the question,
‘Why do I have to go through this again?’
(and I do), I try to ask another one alongside it,
‘What purpose do you have for me in going through this, Lord?’
These kinds of encounters show me why. I have had many along the way and each one is precious and feels like a glimmer of light in the midst of darkness, a touch of Spring in the midst of what feels like Winter.
I love God’s promise in Isaiah 43:2
‘When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned.’
This promise speaks of the Holy Spirit’s presence with me at all times, and that the challenges I face will not overwhelm or destroy me. Cancer itself is overwhelming and destructive but this promise speaks of someone much more powerful – the Holy Spirit who can give me peace in the midst of the overwhelm. So looking for glimmers of light on this journey are part of finding this peace; a shortened stay in hospital, a police escort, being able to spend time with my children and grandchildren, and meeting my fellow cancer patient at the airport.
Let me finish with the words of my American name twin, Carole Anne from her TikTok post:
‘Thank God for everyday
Never take anything for granted
Love everyone around you harder
Show empathy and kindness to everyone.’
This woman's journey 