A few days ago, I began a new phase of my treatment for ovarian cancer. We had thought I might have been eligible for a clinical trial but that was ruled out due to me having recently had breast cancer. Apparently, I need to be over two years post that diagnosis before I could be considered. So, I’m now I’m having a new chemo mix for the next six months.
Back in the oncology day unit, everything was so familiar; rows of cobalt blue chairs lined up ready to receive their patients, mobile drip stands placed next to each chair, cold cap machines waiting to be plugged in to stop hair loss, and wonderful nurses looking after us all. My nurse’s first job was to get a cannula into my arm, not an easy task in my case. We are trying this because having a permanent PICC line fitted for monthly chemotherapy does tie me to weekly visits to the clinic to clean and re-dress the line. I’m hoping my veins have recovered enough in the past year to get cannulas fitted each month. They are then removed after each chemotherapy session giving me the opportunity to get back in the swimming pool when I feel well enough.
The first infusion was a bright orange colour! It looked like I was having a large dose of Aperol spritz. It made me smile because I was drinking this delicious summer cocktail only two weeks before on the beautiful Greek island of Sifnos. My oncologist had allowed me to travel there for my niece’s wedding. This was my first experience of a destination wedding, and it was a very special time of celebrating with family and friends. Our eldest son travelled from Memphis, our nephew flew in from Australia, and our daughter was able to join us too. It was a great time of catching up over the four-day event.
You’ll never believe it but on the first day on this idyllic island, I broke my toe! I was running into the sea on a beautiful sandy beach when my foot hit a sandy coloured rock hidden under the sand. Over the week it became swollen and rather colourful. Painkillers were my friend! The good thing was that it didn’t stop my enjoyment of the wedding celebrations. On my return I went straight to Urgent Care and they confirmed it was broken. Since then, I’ve been walking around in a surgical boot and can’t drive until I am comfortable wearing a shoe again.
Back on the chemotherapy day unit, and this first session was completed after only four hours. The chemo mix shouldn’t make my hair fall out so not having the cold cap made a huge difference to the time spent there. The first night home was hard as I was consumed with nausea. The anti-sickness medications took time to work and we ended up calling the emergency number for advice. By this time my colour had completely drained from my face and I looked like a ghost! The doctor advised taking another anti-sickness tablet that we’d had as a back up from last year and the waves of nausea began to subside.
The main symptom this week has been extreme fatigue. The only way I can describe this kind of tiredness is that it feels like all the energy from each cell of the body drains away. All I can do is lie down and close my eyes. So I’ve spent this week either sleeping or pottering around the house. I have managed a short walk each evening and been able to enjoy these early Autumn days with its bright sunshine and cooler air.
So another section of this long trek has begun! I have been conscious, once again, of preparing myself physically, emotionally and spiritually. My physical health is good according to the myriad of blood tests and scans completed. Emotionally, I fluctuate between disappointment that I have to face chemotherapy treatment again and a solid determination to get through this, one treatment at a time. It’s worth saying that in the chemo unit I’ve met fellow patients who have had many more chemotherapy sessions than me and who are so positive and full of life. My simple round of six sessions seems short in comparison. I think the disappointment is connected with life being interrupted again – something I find really hard especially when I have to share this news with young clients who aren’t ready to end their therapy sessions with me yet.
Spiritual preparation brings up the inevitable questions of ‘Why Lord?’ and ‘Do you have a purpose for me in this?’ I know I’ve mentioned this in previous posts but the questions are always there. Each time I ask these, I go back to God’s word. There’s a story in 2 Chronicles 20 where King Jehoshaphat is facing a huge army attacking the nation which they have no power to prevent. He gathers all the people to pray and ends with:
‘We do not know what to do but our eyes are on you.’
This is my declaration as I face another attack of cancer cells in my body again.
I know who to look to.
I shall end with one of my favourite Psalms which I learned by heart many years ago which sums it all up beautifully:
I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over (me)
will neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord watches over you—
the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
The Lord will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
Psalm 121 (Adjusted to be personal to me)
